Lose Your Lunch: A Play

Lose Your Lunch
a semi-biographical short play

CHARACTERS
MIKE
SERRA
IAN
LITTLE GIRL
LOUDSPEAKER

(A table outside of Johnny Rockets restaurant in Six Flags amusement park. A trashcan sits far stage right. MIKE and SERRA are seated.)

MIKE. Do you see that?
SERRA. What?
MIKE. Over there. (Gesturing stage left) The table with the little girl and her grandma.
SERRA. So?
MIKE. The girl’s mom is coming back, and she’s got an entire pizza from Johnny Rockets in tow.

(He gives SERRA an ecstatic glance, but she is unimpressed and confused.)

MIKE. Don’t you get it? There’s no way that feebly-stomached trio can possibly have the appetite necessary to take down that whole pizza!
SERRA. First – take it from me: you underestimate the eating capability of a small girl. And second – what do you care if that estrogen-saturated family can’t finish their dinner?
MIKE. Do I have to spell it out for you? I’m hungry, they have a pizza, and there will be leftovers. I swear to you right now, I’m going to get a slice of that pizza if it’s the last thing I do.
SERRA. Did I ever tell you you’re a lunatic?
MIKE. Look! Mom just got up and she’s walking away. One less mouth to feed and one more slice for me.

(IAN enters with a good pound of food in tow. He joins MIKE and SERRA at their table.)

IAN. I love Johnny Rockets, and I love food.
SERRA. How much did you get?
IAN. Burger. French Fries. Onion Rings. Hot dog. Milkshake.
SERRA. (to MIKE) No pizza.
IAN. Pizza?
SERRA. This kid’s got it into his crazy head that he’s going to take some of the pizza from that table over there, with the grandma and the girl.
IAN. Why don’t you two just go buy some food for yourselves?
SERRA. I ate before we came.
MIKE. I didn’t bring any money.
IAN. Don’t worry about it. I’ll spot you.
MIKE. No thank you!
IAN. Alright, alright. No need to get upset. If you’re tight on cash right now, I’ll tell ya what – you don’t have to pay me back.
MIKE. You simpleton. It’s not the money; it’s the principle! I paid my fifty dollars to get into this godforsaken park, and for what? To ride a rollercoaster? To see a tiger from twenty feet away behind a fence? To come to Johnny Rockets and pay another ten, twenty – how much did you pay for all of that?
IAN. Thirty-five bucks.
MIKE. – Thirty-five bucks to get the sustenance which, by the way, I need to live long enough to shell out even more money to the Six Flag Corporation! For God’s sake, man, I’m not going to let them squeeze another cent out of me!
SERRA. I didn’t know you felt so strongly about it.
MIKE. (cooling down, to IAN) Why are you eating so much, anyways?
IAN. Ever since I first came here as a nipper, it’s been my dream to throw up on Kingda Ka. During the biggest drop, right when they take your picture. Can you imagine?
SERRA. Unfortunately, yes. Ugh, why do I spend my time with men?
IAN. (to MIKE) Speaking of men, did you get a beat on that tall drink of water pulling a chair up to your pizza?
MIKE. Oh no. I was afraid of this. Looks like mommy is also wifey, and dear hubby’s got his hungry eyes all over my meal.
SERRA. Yeah, but look at all the accoutrements – they’ve got 64 ounce sodas, bread sticks, and a big old Cesar salad.
IAN. Y’know, I think you’re actually starting to enjoy this stupid little operation. You just ridiculed me a minute ago for my dumb dream, and here you are reconnoitering to help this sucker realize his equally dumb dream.
SERRA. The point is, maybe they’ll fill up on those appetizers and there’ll still be a leftover piece.
MIKE. I’m counting on it.
IAN. What are we doing next, if you don’t mind my asking a non-pizza-related question?
SERRA. I’m not sure. Let’s check the itinerary.

(SERRA whips out a map of the park.)

SERRA. Hm… well, Kingda Ka’s the closest ride.
IAN. Nope. Not yet. You can’t rush perfection – I need this food to be half digested when we rock the Ka so I have the most noxious, visceral puke I can muster for that souvenir photograph. Besides, Kingda Ka is by far the best thing this park has to offer; nothing can compete. We should save the best for last, no?
MIKE. What if it rains before we get a chance to ride it because you put it off for so long?
IAN. It won’t. Besides, you can’t live your life in constant fear that it might rain. Shouldn’t you be watching your pizza?
MIKE. I’ve been.
IAN. So you’re just ignoring your friends over here?
MIKE. I can talk to you two and scope out this family at the same time. What do you take me for? Things are looking good. Do you want an update on what’s gone down since you last checked in?
SERRA. Like we have a choice.
MIKE. Everybody ate one slice, but their copious side dishes have slowed their eating to a crawl. There are three slices left and Pa’s going for one of them. Yep. And… nobody else is making a move on the other two. Looks like there’ll be two sets of vomit in our Kingda Ka photo.
SERRA. Make that three. When you two start throwing up I’m going to get so disgusted that I’ll throw up.
IAN. This is going to be the greatest picture of all time.
SERRA. Assuming they don’t delete it. You do know there’s somebody scanning all of those pictures so as to remove any offensive shots, right?
IAN. Jeez! You’re just as bad as him! First we’re supposed to plan our whole day around a chance of rain, and now you want us to hold in our puke just in case we get censored. You two really need to stop worrying and just live your lives on your own terms. It’s not going to rain and we will be leaving today with a giant, overpriced print of us hurling all over that drop!
MIKE. Our puke will probably blend in – Kingda Ka is made of green steel.
SERRA. Y’know, you guys are reminding me of when I first started running on a regular basis. For weeks prior I kept saying to myself, “Hey Serra, we’re going to start running real soon.” But then I’d just sit around and eat Teriyaki chicken and get fatter and more out of shape. Then one day, I tried to pick up my guinea pig so I could clean his cage – when I put him down, I was out of breath I was so out of shape. That’s when I realized that it was time to start exercising. I’ve been running everyday since. But what if I never tried to clean that cage? Would I have ever realized how lazy and slovenly I’d grown? I would probably be sitting at home eating a fiesta meatloaf all by myself this very –
MIKE. NO!
IAN. What happened?
MIKE. Mom and Grams are looking at the remaining two slices, with intention. I’m done for. I never thought they’d be able to eat all that salad and still be hungry.

(MIKE covers his eyes. IAN and SERRA watch the pizza table in silence for a tense moment)

IAN. You’re never going to believe this, but they’re cutting one slice down the middle!
MIKE. If you’re lying to me, I’m going to punch you as hard as I can in the collarbone.
IAN. This is legit, I swear.

(MIKE uncovers his eyes to check on the pizza table.)

MIKE. Oh, thank God! Those two are sure to be full after this, Dad would be eating the other slice right now if he wanted it, and the little girl is currently playing with her six dollar Wonder Woman cape. That slice has my name written all over it. (To SERRA) So, what were you saying again?
IAN. Yeah, could you recap that? I wasn’t really paying attention either.
SERRA. Never mind.
MIKE. Oh yes. They’re done. Everybody is done eating, and they’re playing Eat It Air Hockey.
SERRA. “Eat It Air Hockey?”
MIKE. It’s when nobody wants anymore to eat, but they all feel bad about letting it go to waste. So everybody at the dinner table shoots a glance at their meal compatriots and then down at the leftovers. It’s a win-win: nobody has to eat past being full, and yet everybody can see your disapproval at the inevitable trashing of the food. It’s dinner’s conclusion in every household that lacks a glutton but possesses an overzealous cook. Eat It Air Hockey.
SERRA. Of course.
MIKE. It’s just a matter of time until they get up to throw that slice out. Now we play the waiting game.
SERRA. What exactly do you plan to do?
MIKE. My plan is quite elementary, really. The nearest trashcan is right over there. Ergo, whoever gets stuck with trash duty will be forced to walk directly past us to dispatch the garbage. En route, I just happen to notice that there’s some pizza left, and I offer to take it off their hands, effectively shortening their trip by eliminating the need to walk the remaining six steps to the trash. Everybody wins!
IAN. Why don’t you just walk over there and ask if you can have it?
MIKE. You buffoon! Then they’ll know I’ve been watching them this whole time. I don’t want to creep them out.
SERRA. Why not? You’ve already creeped me out with this whole ordeal.
MIKE. Wait. Oh no. No. No. No!

(MIKE smashes his head down onto the table and lays it there, face down.)

SERRA. Huh?
IAN. It looks as if the little girl just took the pizza, cardboard tray and all, and smashed it up into a ball.

(Enter LITTLE GIRL stage left. She walks past, approaching trashcan.)

IAN. (whisper, to MIKE) What are you waiting for?! Make your move! It’s just a little smushed, it tastes the same.
MIKE. (whisper, to IAN) Of course it’s still delicious! You don’t think I know that?! But one thing I do know is that, nine times out of ten, young parents frown upon teenage boys approaching their preadolescent daughters in the middle of amusement parks! I can’t do it!

(LITTLE GIRL throws the trash away and exits stage left. MIKE just sits and stares blankly.)

SERRA. Are you going to be okay?
IAN. Bud? (Snaps in front of MIKE’s face, to no avail.)
SERRA. Who knew one slice of pizza could be so devastating.
MIKE. You know? I think there’s a lesson in all of this.
SERRA. Oh yeah? And what’s that? Don’t eat before you ride Kingda Ka?
IAN. Bring money to a theme park?
SERRA. Ask the little girl for the pizza next time?
IAN. Disguise yourself as a tiger to get a free steak at the drive-through safari?
SERRA. Eating out of the trash isn’t without dignity?
MIKE. No. No. None of that. Something about… not letting life pass you by. Acting before it’s too late. And that you’re responsible for your own happiness – or misery, in my case.

(beat)

IAN. It’s just a pizza! I’ll give you the money; go order your own!
MIKE. And undermine the beautiful life lesson we’ve learned here today? Not a chance.
IAN. You’re insane.
SERRA. Let’s go ride Kingda Ka, huh?
IAN. What’s the rush? We’ve got all day.
MIKE. Did anybody else feel that? I think it’s starting to rain.

(It starts to rain.)

LOUDSPEAKER. (offstage) Attention all Six Flags visitors. We’re sorry to report that Kingda Ka, the largest roller coaster in the tri-state area, will be closed for the remainder of the day due to unforeseen weather complications. Please come back to ride it soon.
SERRA. Don’t fret. They’ll probably give us a refund or a rain check or something.
LOUDSPEAKER. (offstage) There will be neither refunds nor rain checks issued. Thank you for your continued patronage and enjoy the rest of your Six Flags day!
IAN. Why didn’t you guys rush?!
MIKE. See? This is what I’m talking about.
IAN. Oh God. It feels like those onion rings aren’t getting along too well with my stomach.
SERRA. Don’t tell me –
IAN. I’m going to puke! (Runs off stage right and vomits.)
SERRA. I can’t say I feel bad for him.
IAN. (offstage, sickly) Someone get a camera! If you frame it right, we can get Kingda Ka in the background!
MIKE. Now there’s one guy who knows how to make his own happiness. I envy him.
SERRA. I need new friends.

(Exeunt)

Why Infantile Circumcision is Dirty and Wrong

If there's one thing I hate, it's the damn near customary American practice of circumcising newborns. If we can skip the formalities and go straight ahead and watch a newborn being cicrumcized I think you'll get all the convincing you need without having to read a word that I'm about to say.

Right off the bat, here are two disclaimers:
1) I was circumcised as an infant, so what follows are not the ramblings of an upset uncircumcised fellow who wishes he fit in with the majority of American males. And no, I'm not writing this because I'm bitter at my parents for deciding to have me cut; I have no ill will about the fact that I've been circumcised. The reason that I am so adamant about the subject can be equated thusly: My stock broker convinced me to buy some shares in CIRC INC., but it turned out that they're a hopeless corporation and I lost all my money. So even though there's nothing that I can do to get my money back, I'll do my best to warn all other investors not to buy CIRC shares and maybe, once everyone finally understands that this corporation serves no purpose, they'll go out of business.
2) Let's ignore ritual religious circumcision. I've got no specific beef with the Jewish faith (although I don't always see eye-to-eye with any organized religion, but that's another blog post for another time), and for the sake of simplicity I'm going to exclude Bris circumcisions from my rant.

The only reason we still circumcise our babies is because of rampant misinformation and shallow (not to mention illogical) cosmetic motives. The advocates of infantile circumcision base their stance on the claim that a circumcised penis is cleaner and less prone to infection and/or that it "looks nicer."

To address the former, we'll analyze the major health detriments that the pro-circumcision camp claims will befall the uncircumcised masses. It is true that there are a variety of foreskin problems that can plague a child in his first year of life (non-retracted foreskin, acute balanoposthitis, to name a few) that can in fact be cured via circumcision. However, many children under the age of 10 will encounter a problem with their tonsils ("kissing" tonsils, tonsiloliths, tonsillitis) but do doctors remove every newborn's tonsils at birth just in-case one of the problems eventually arises? Of course not. Unnecessary surgery is not performed to remove any other body parts that may one day be troublesome. And for good reason: when a problem does arise, the organ can simply be severed at that time and the less surgery one undergoes the better as all surgery comes with the risk of complications and infection.

Another claim is that the uncircumcised male is more likely to transmit and receive HIV and other sexually-transmitted infections. This is true. The movable nature of foreskin makes it prone to microscopic tears that make blood-to-blood or blood-to-discharge contact more likely. So if you plan on raising your child to believe that having unprotected sex with a partner who can't be trusted to disclose their sexual history and infection status, then by all means have him circumcised. Furthermore, a man with a larger penis has more surface area of skin that could possibly have unnoticeable tears that increase the probability of HIV transmission. So why not chop a few inches off of your newborn's penis to reduce his risk even more? The fact of the matter is, good parenting and sexual education enough to instill the fact that he should always wear a condom when partaking in casual sex (or sex with a known-infected partner) is all it takes to reduce your son's risk of HIV infection even more than it would be reduced by slicing off his foreskin.

And what of the cosmetic factor? In my experience, this is a circumcision excuse largely supported by women. I have interviewed too many of my peers on the subject, and it is almost always a woman who says that she would certainly have her son circumcised because "it looks nicer" or "uncut is gross" or she "wouldn't want him to be a freak." This continued perpetuation in American culture that uncircumcised males are somehow disgusting or unnatural not only does the uncircumcised population a disservice (and a blow to their self-esteem) but it is completely unfounded. How is it in any way unnatural for a man to not have a portion of the skin on his penis cut off? Isn't it quite the opposite? Furthermore, it is my firm belief that a large percent of the women claiming a cosmetic preference couldn't tell the difference between a circumcised and an uncircumcised penis because they have either never seen an uncircumcised one or were unaware that it was (here's a diagram, to clear up any discrepancies [NSFW]). This kind of discrimination is both unfounded and frustratingly ignorant.

In closing, I'd like to suggest a few simple alternatives to having your child circumcised:
-Wash under his foreskin (as soon as it becomes retractable) just like you wash any other part of his body, and then instill the value of always keeping it clean (again, just like the rest of his body) once he is old enough to wash himself. In America, our access to resources for maintaining good hygiene have done nothing but increase over the last century, and yet statistics show that circumcision rates have increased exponentially. If a dirty (leading to an infected) foreskin was a problem to be solved with circumcision at the turn of the century when fewer Americans had access to toiletries, then shouldn't more babies have been circumcised then? Widespread misinformation has resulted in the opposite. More and more babies are circumcised every year, despite the fact that fewer and fewer will be prone to problems because soap and water is affordable to every American today.
-Teach your child about safe sex. That will do more good to preventing him from getting HIV than having him circumcised with that excuse will.
-Educated yourself and your son about circumcision and the reasons it is performed, so he is prepared to enter a world where many women have an unfounded prejudice against the uncircumcised among us


Addendum

For the Jewish among us, I think it would really just be better to let your sons choose to get circumcised at adulthood. Isn't it more spiritually meaningful for a grown man to accept his faith by voluntarily removing his foreskin than it is to force it on an 8-day-old infant? I know that G~d specifically said that it had to happen 8 days after they're born, but Abraham was 100 when he circumcised himself. Besides, if we're going to stick word-for-word to the text, Genesis also says that you must circumcise all your sons, "including those born in your household or bought with money from a foreigner." We don't think it's morally just to purchase foreign children anymore, so maybe it's time that we realize that infantile circumcision isn't morally just either.

One big thing I didn't mention is the fact that sex is more pleasurable for an uncircumcised male. There are more nerve endings because there is more skin to contain them. It's cruel and unusual to lessen a man's enjoyment of sex because his mother wants his penis to look "prettier," no?

Circumcision advocates can claim that it is best to perform the procedure when the boy is still an infant because he can't feel it or he won't remember it. If my friends got me drunk and then cut off my left ear (because they thought I would look better without it or because ears get dirty without regular cleaning so I would be better off without it) I definitely felt the pain, but I won't remember it the next day when I come to. But in the end it was still a useless, potentially risky surgery and I'll never get that ear back.

One last thought: something can always go wrong during the procedure. David Reimer, who would go on to become a landmark test subject in the learned gender identification field, had most of his penis accidentally severed when doctors tried to circumcise him at 8 months old. The fact of the matter is that a baby's penis and foreskin is so much smaller than an adult's that the surgery requires much more precision and is therefore safer when performed on an adult male.

References
http://www.jesuswalk.com/abraham/6_circumcision.htm
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/facts/circumcision.htm
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/transcripts/2813gender.html