The Harry Burns Theorem of Atrraction

UPDATE 3/15/2014 - I've seen When Harry Met Sally since coming up with this theory and publishing this article. Since Billy Crystal's character already said everything I wrote 21 years before I wrote it, the title of the theorem has been changed to reflect this.

After years of observing subjects in non-laboratory environments (and unwillingly becoming a subject myself) I have arrived at a conclusion regarding interpersonal attraction:

No two people of opposite sex can endure being "just friends" for an extended period of time. Never.
I'll expand this theory with extensive examples to prove that any contradictory inclination is impossible. But first allow me to preface these findings by saying that they only apply to heterosexual couples. This isn't out of any desire to discriminate against or exclude homosexual couples, but simply because I am not and don't personally know and therefore haven't observed enough gay individuals to reach any meaningful conclusions regarding the crossover between platonic and romantic relationships among them. That aside, let's delve into the proof, shall we?

Boy 1 and Girl 1 meet and discover that they share an uncommon interest or hobby (model airplane construction? the plays of Ben Jonson?). Naturally, the two form a kinship and bond over their airplane building or their lengthy discussion regarding the drama of the English Renaissance. Strictly platonic, of course. But here's the rub: what does one look for in a romantic partner?

-Enjoyment of time spent together
-Level of physical attraction

This list excludes more selfish and shallow motives to date, like monetary gain and access to higher social circles, but these are irrelevant to our thesis. Now, these two factors can serve to influence one and other, but the level of mutual exclusion varies depending on which of the two you first notice in your potential mate. Boy 2 may notice that Girl 2 is unbelievably attractive when he first lays eyes on her, but in getting to know her he discovers that she is an insipid, slovenly, unmotivated girl with political and religious views that contradict his own. No matter how attractive Boy 2 finds Girl 2, he isn't going to enjoy their time together very much (sure, it won't be a complete loss as he will certainly enjoy their time spent macking, but on the whole the benefits of her physical appearance will not outweigh their clashing personalities).

However, if Girl 1 either does not look the way Boy 1 has been conditioned by society to be considered his "type" or if Boy 1 was simply not looking for a girlfriend at the time of their meeting and therefore took no particular interest in Girl 1's appearance, then his first inclination that they would make a good pair will be how much he enjoys spending time with her. And as every man who has ever seen the curious and baffling sight of a slob of a man dating a stunner of a woman far beyond his league, the enjoyment factor is far likelier to influence the attraction factor than vice-versa.

So there are 7 different outcomes for our Boy 1 and Girl 1 scenario:

1. Boy 1 falls in love with Girl 1. This is unrequited, as Girl 1 never develops a physical attraction to Boy 1. He reveals his feelings and she terminates the friendship because, frankly, you can't remain such close friends after such a revelation if the feelings are not mutual

2. The reverse of the previous, with Girl 1 falling in love with Boy 1.

3. Boy 1 falls in love with Girl 1, but it is unrequited. He reveals his feelings, she lets him down easy, but they resolve to remain friends nonetheless. However, it is impossible for the relationship to remain unchanged in light of this information, so their friendship either suffers or eventually dissolves entirely as a result.

4. The reverse of the previous, with Girl 1 falling in love with Boy 1

5. Boy 1 and Girl 1 both fall for one and other. They reveal their feelings, begin a monogamous relationship and live happily ever after (until they breakup eventually for whatever reason).

6. Boy 1 and Girl 1 fall in love. However, they refrain from revealing their feelings for fear that it is unrequited and will the ruin the friendship. It ruins the friendship regardless because it is impossible to continue palling around under the circumstances. The situation is too stressful for both so they grow apart.

7. The same as above, except they individually resolve to suffer through their infatuation and end up getting over it. They ultimately remain friends.

The first 6 scenarios support my thesis. The 7th does not, as the friendship survives. The 7th, however, is actually a near impossibility. It is an idealized situation. While both may be of strong enough will to decide to suffer in silence but remain friends, the odds that their love will fade at the same rate are astronomically small. Therefore, at any given time in the process, one will still be in love while the other is not and it has become one of the first 4 scenarios and friendship does not survive. Or the love does not fade away (it likely won't, because they are spending so much time together), and it become either scenario 5 or 6. While scenario 7 is theoretically possible, it is so highly unlikely that it can and will be ignored the in final analysis.

Addendum
Our thesis is proven, so I'll now address the exemptions.

Age gaps play a major role. It has a significant influence on physical attraction, and makes it less likely for the enjoyment of time spent together to improve one's perception of attractiveness of their potential partner. If Boy 1 were 18 years old and Girl 1 60, all of the above theoretics would be void. For clarification's sake, we must assume at the the subjects at hand are within a reasonable age window.

Current relationship status can be considered a third variable in the "what does one look for in a romantic partner?" equation. It often can override both the enjoyment and attraction factors. For example, Boy 1 and Girl 1 may be in monogamous relationships with Girl 3 and Boy 3, respectively. Boy 1 and Girl 3 go on a double date with Girl 1 and Boy 3. Boy 1 and Girl 1 meet for the first time on the aforementioned double date. Boy 1 discovers that Girl 1 is a classic beauty, shares his interest in identifying minerals, and he has a wonderful time in her company on the double date. He is both attracted to her physically and he knows that he enjoys spending time with her. However, the thought of dating Girl 1 never enters Boy 1's mind. Why? Because he is committed to his fidelity with Girl 3.

On the other hand, let's assume all of the above is true except that Boy 1 does desire a romantic relationship with his new friend Girl 1, despite his concurrent romantic relationship with Girl 3. Both of these scenarios are frequent real-life occurrences.

To further expand, let's change the playing field and say that Boy 1 is single and Girl 1 is dating Boy 3. Boy 1 and Boy 3 are friends so Boy 1 meets Girl 1 through this mutual acquaintance. Assuming that Boy 1 enjoys the company of Girl 1, one of two things will happen: either Boy 1 will not consider Girl 1 as a potential mate because of his loyalty to his friend Boy 3 (and his respect for the fact that she is simply "off the market") or Boy 1 will develop an infatuation for her and follow one of the original 7 scenarios. The same would be true for Girl 1 if the situation were reversed (Boy 1 is dating Girl 3, who introduced Girl 1 to him).

Because of these contradicting outcomes, we can draw no concrete conclusions about the effect of current individual romantic relationship status on the likelihood of two friends falling in love with one and other. However, we most certainly can conclude that such a factor can not be included our thesis. Therefore, we must revise it to account for this and the age exemption. So our revised conclusion is thus:

No two people of opposite sex, similar age, who are single can endure being "just friends" for an extended period of time. Never.